Prayer Request

I usually try to reserve the blog for more positive things but my heart is heavy today and I feel I just really need to ask for your prayers.

February 6th is a day that has haunted me ever since the loss of our baby in late July 2009. Today is the day our baby was supposed to be born. I knew this day was coming and I am torn between gratefulness that it has come and will now go, without me having to think about it again for another year, and sadness because I was obviously praying to holding our sweet baby on this day. It has been a rough ride and more emotionally challenging than I ever thought possible.

I never really discussed it here because I wasn't sure how to word everything, or even sure I wanted it all to be public knowledge because I generally prefer to do my grieving privately, but I am choosing today to be a day of new beginnings with full disclosure.

On July 23, 2009 we discovered that we lost our baby. At that time he/she was supposed to be 13 weeks in utero and we had already heard the heartbeat. The D&C was done the next day and we met our doctor at his office for a follow-up a week later. At that time he told us that our miscarriage was what is actually termed a partial molar pregnancy. You can google it for full details but the bottom line is that abnormal cells took over our healthy pregnancy and eventually caused the death of our child. So with a partial molar pregnancy those abnormal cells can often remain in your uterus if the D&C did not remove them all, and in very rare cases these cells can turn cancerous and metastasize to other ares of your body. So every week for the past 6 months I have been getting labs drawn to measure my Hcg levels in order to make 100% sure that these abnormal cells were totally gone from my body, in order to ensure that nothing was gong to turn cancerous.

It has been a very long and emotionally taxing process. It has made the horrible experience even worse, if that is imaginable, because I was having to re-live it every week when I had to get my labs drawn. It was a constant reminder and made the whole grieving process very very drawn out. And I am not going to lie, it was a very bumpy road. I was seriously depressed for a long time and had it not been for Avery I think I would have laid in my bed for weeks.

But I learned alot about myself and even more about my faith. Truthfully I never blamed God or asked why because I knew why. I know he has a plan and I honestly do trust him 100%, but even knowing all that it still doesn't take away the pain and lonliness. That pain of what was "supposed" to be.

But I learned a beautiful lesson of finding joy in the journey. Joy in those unplanned moments where life seems to sit still for a moment and the world appears to be totally perfect. I am grateful for those moments because they have brought me much peace this past year. I am so grateful for all the support we have received and I appreciate your prayers on this day for our angel who was taken too soon, but who is looking down and watching over us.

We miss you sweet baby and we think about you constantly. We love you little angel.